A series of blog posts on the small steps you can take to build a life you love. Read Part 1 on ‘Good-Work Life Balance’, Part 2 ‘Mental Resilience and Well-being’ and Part 2b’ Physical Fitness’.

This is the final instalment of our series on how to build a life you love.The topic this week is one I’ve thought about a lot in the last year, ‘Social Connectedness’. There has been a spate of headlines and news articles written about the epidemic of loneliness in the world today, with statistics like, ‘In 2021, 49 percent of adults have three or fewer friends compared to 27 percent in 1990’ ¹ or ‘1 in 4 adults in the UK feel lonely some or all of the time’.² It is a sad state of affairs. 

If you happen to be experiencing loneliness, I want to let you know that you are seen. I went through a period in my life, in my 20s, when I felt lonely and disconnected. I remember sitting at home many weekends, ruminating on the fact that I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. What felt worse was the thought I had that no one cared enough to check up on me (bar my family and a couple of friends). I was probably doing my friends a disservice in thinking that way, but the feeling was acute. There was a discrepancy (an unmet need) between my preferred and actual social experiences…I felt lonely. 

‘SOCIAL CONNECTEDNESS’

Social connectedness is the extent to which we engage with important, supportive people in our lives in ways that heighten our sense of belonging and well-being.³ It is the experience of feeling loved, cared for and valued, and our ability to rely on others. The relationships that contribute to good social connection are varied and include interactions with family, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc.

While travelling on my sabbatical, when asked where I lived, I would wrinkle my nose as I blurted out ‘Birmingham’. I did this every single time. I knew I had fallen out of love with Birmingham years earlier but I hadn’t realised how much I had grown to dislike my life in Birmingham. I didn’t want to come back to the same life, so something had to give. I was either going to have to put in the effort to create a life I loved in Birmingham or I would have to move to a different city… or country!

I chose the former. 

In thinking about why I no longer loved living in Birmingham, it dawned on me that over the years I had grown socially isolated in the city. As friends had moved away and I’d lost touch with others, I had retreated into the cocoon of my work life. Most of the meaningful relationships I had were with people who lived outside of Birmingham. I had to tip the balance the other way. 

Here are three things I am doing, and that you can do,  to make a difference to your level of social connectedness:

• Nurture your existing relationships. In order to have great friendships, we need to be better friends. I realised I had to become a better friend to my friends in Birmingham, to take a more active interest in their lives, show them I truly cared and learn to seek their help and support. Think about one thing you can start doing today to be a better friend, sister, son… Do you need to spend more quality time together? Schedule friend dates. Do you need to call more often? Set a goal to call them weekly or at whatever frequency suits you. And do it. Do you need to be better at showing you care? Call or text on their birthday, send a congratulatory note for a milestone or an achievement. Do you want to build a more intimate friendship? Learn to be vulnerable and reveal more of your true self to them.

One of the challenges we have is that we can’t dedicate the time and energy  to develop deep, meaningful friendships with everyone. So you may need to think carefully about which relationships you would like to prioritise, perhaps those with whom you have a deeper connection or similar values. Put in the work and it will bear fruit. The degree to which our relationships serve our various needs (emotional, companionship, validation, mentoring, etc) is an important factor in our connectedness.

• Increase the frequency of your (face to face) interactions. I’m someone who is very comfortable on her own, and a lot of my interests tend to be solitary. So this year, I set myself the goal of doing one activity or event every week with at least one person. This has meant I’ve reached out to family, friends and colleagues more regularly, inviting them out to a meal or for an activity. It doesn’t have to be something big, it can be as little as going out for coffee or on a walk together in the evening. It’s given me more opportunities to (re)connect.  

Be proactive and make the effort to see your family, friends, and loved ones more often. If you have a busy schedule, why not run errands together? Or invite them to the exercise class you go to? The frequency of our interactions also impacts our social connectedness. I believe we have better quality interactions and more meaningful connections when we meet in person. 

• Join a group, club or society. Being part of a group with shared interests, values or goals is one of the quickest ways to create a larger and more diverse social network.  However it is important that you actually get involved in the group – attend meetings/socials regularly, be friendly and talk to people, volunteer to help out in some way. 

For me, going back to church was a way to belong to a group. I’m doing it differently this time, in that I am actively getting invested in my church community – getting to know others, attending socials and volunteering. You can do the same with whatever group you choose to join. Sites like ‘meetup.com’ and ‘eventbrite’  are a good way to discover what groups are out there, if you don’t know where to start.  

Final Thoughts

These simple changes I have made have helped me feel more socially connected in Birmingham… I’m actually loving living in the city these days! Of course one size doesn’t fit all, but I hope it shows anyone out there who is feeling a little lost or disconnected that there are practical steps you can take to build great relationships and find your community of people who love and care about you. 

I’ll leave you with one last statistic: ‘‘The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity “.¹

Now if that’s not a reason for us to get out of our houses and make connections, I don’t know what is!

What other strategies have you used to build meaningful social connections? I would love to know. 

References

1. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. 2023. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf 
2. Loneliness and Mental Health. Mental Health Foundation. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/loneliness 
3. How to stay socially connected. https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-stay-socially-connected-to-society-your-life-depends-on-it